I'll be there at 10:30 with a beer in hand and god knows whatever alcoholic beverage I can find. I'm even bringing a fucking straight guy with me to be my wingman. Incase any of you crazy bitches try to stab me with a shank I gotta bitch with a dick to take you out cuz I'm sensative. *blushes*
I got blond hair, brown eyes, think I'm a fucking rockstar. I'll be wearing Levi jeans and a black shirt. Trust me I'm not that hard to find.
If I replied to you and I didn't send a photo...my bad...figure it out.
If you're going to drop by, not say anything, and stalk me from across the room fucking game over bitch. I don't play that way. That gets you an immediate fucking mental star that gets stuck to your forehead with one of those gold stars from middle school. So everyone knows...thats one crazy bitch. DON'T STALK ME! Talk to me. I'm actually really nice and if I like ya, there is even a beer in it for you. Cuz drunk women are always fun.
If you get too plastered, I'll even call a damn cab to take your drunk ass home so you won't be calling me the next morning to get a bondsman.
So...again...incase some of you are a lil slowwwwwwwww.
Kurts on Kingston Pike.
Tonight at 10:30pm.
Drink in hand.
Wannabe Rockstar.
Blond hair.
Baby dykes. You're not hot so stop it dumbass. You can't handle my vag so save your bullshit pick up lines for the next idiot college UT bisexual girl (fake bi) to roll up into the club. Sure...buy me a drink...i'm still not putting out. But I sure as hell will take all the alcohol I can get to simmer me down from punching you in the face. You walk around thinking you've done/had all the vag in the world. You haven't. You wouldn't know what to do with mine even if you had a fucking manual and mapquest written in that fucked up ebonics language you speak. Just because you've ate two vagina's...you're not an expert so stop wasting my time.
Again...be honest. You want me to just fuck the hell out of you and never speak to me. Game on. If not...don't waste my god damn time. I'm not a fucking mind reader. Tell me what you want, tits or get the fuck out.
Pissed off lesbians who read this. Save your long ass emails for the women's coalition of whatever fucking organization you support. I don't give a fuck. I for one, don't burn my bra's (they are pretty cute actually and cost me a shit load of money). Don't think you're the all mighty lesbian and can put me in my place, change my views, want me to think happy thoughts blah blah blah....suck my strap on bitch. I don't give shit. If you need to buy yourself a clue I'm sure you can pick one up at walmart...they are always rolling back prices for you bitches.
Send me a god damn picture for the last time. If I get another email without a damn photo I'm gonna take a piss in your box of oreo's. It's 2008 buy a fucking digital camera, cell phone, scanner, whatever the fuck you need to send me a god damn pic if you wanna talk to me that bad. I'm not wasting time on a guy, married females, or wilderbeast women of this town.
Be able to uphold a conversation. I've replied to so many emails only to have them end after the 2nd one because I fell asleep halfway thru them. I can honestly say that I'm surprised I didn't die of electrocution from passing out and drooling onto my keyboard from boredom. "How'd she die doc?"...."Fucking knoxville lesbians."....."Oh...werd.
Alright I normally don't have a problem with kids but...I don't have time to bang you and look around the corner to see if your kid is coming. If you can't get a babysitter then don't be callin my ass because I'm not a replacement!!
Don't make plans to meet up with me then fucking bail. That flakiness pisses me off and will get you an immediate click of the ignore button on my cell phone if you ever call me again.
I'm still standing by the main basics of criteria.
-No one over 30 unless you're a fucking hot as milf. Honestly. I'm not your midlife crisis. It's sad. I almost wanna pity fuck you into reality.
-look good
-feel good
-give good head
-be a top/bottom/switch as long as you're really a lesbian.
-at this point I honestly don't even care if I'm your science experiment as long as you're a good person to hang out with.
-don't have std's or be a whore. AJAX won't clean everything off.
-have a job, a car, and goals. I'm not gonna pay your bills I got my own to pay.
- I don't care if you're andro/femm as long as you act like a girl rather than a guy, it's game on.
- Be straight up with me, tell me I don't need to be wearing those jeans because my ass looks like the size of the netherlands. Just hand me my other pair of jeans and shut the fuck up because I don't wanna hear it.
-have a sense of humor I mean come on we only live once. Fucking have some fun, be sarcastic, ride go carts, buy some crayola crayons and scribble the fuck out of spongebobs face. Enjoy life.
So if you're read this entire thing, fucking kudos to you. I'll give you a gold star just for reading it. If you're hot I'm sure that earns you head for atleast 2 hours by my standards.
1. Fucking send a picture, I mean christ, for all I know all you lesbians are the same. You could be a guy, a transgendering lesbian, or inbreed. If you're any of the above I probably wouldn't blame you for not sending a picture, unless you're a transgendering lesbian and in that case the straight women classifieds are a few clicks down here on craigslist. Maybe your finger must have slipped, who knows.
2. No, I'm not fucking you on the first encounter especially not thru an email. I don't know you, I don't know where you have been, I don't want some STD you picked up here on good ol' rocky top. I like my vag...a lot actually...so I don't need some random dyke on craigslist fucking her up. She's a sexy gal and I intend on keeping her in check. So if you're a slut, whore, tramp....I'm more than happy to give you the OBGYN office number to get your "junk" taken care of.
3. Be able to uphold a conversation. I've replied to so many emails only to have them end after the 2nd one because I fell asleep halfway thru them. I can honestly say that I'm surprised I didn't die of electrocution from passing out and drooling onto my keyboard from boredom. "How'd she die doc?"...."Fucking knoxville lesbians."....."Oh...werd."
4. I'm not going to the club to meet you, fight with any of your dumbass baby dyke X gf's. Forget about it. Keep your drama, your ghetto ass baseball hat, and "bling bling" home. Nobody thinks you're sexy, hot, or cute unless you're under the age of 21. Even then, I would probably check ID home skillet she's probably out past curfew.
5. Alright I normally don't have a problem with kids but...I don't have time to bang you and look around the corner to see if your kid is coming. If you can't get a babysitter then don't be callin my ass because I'm not a replacement!! I gotta take time to learn about the person before I figure out a kid.
6. Don't make plans to meet up with me then fucking bail. That flakiness pisses me off and will get you an immediate click of the ignore button on my cell phone if you ever call me again.
7. I don't mind older lesbians for friends but if you're 45, have a daughter/son who is 5 years younger than me and wanna bang me....I also have a therapists number for you. I'm not your midlife crisis. Thats what plastic surgery and breast implants are for....I have a number for those doctors as well.
8. I'm still standing by the main basics of criteria.
-look good
-feel good
-give good head
-be a top/bottom/switch as long as you're really a lesbian.
-at this point I honestly don't even care if I'm your science experiment as long as you're a good person to hang out with.
-don't have std's or be a whore. AJAX won't clean everything off.
-have a job, a car, and goals. I'm not gonna pay your bills I got my own to pay.
- I don't care if you're andro/femm as long as you act like a girl rather than a guy, it's game on.
- Be straight up with me, tell me I don't need to be wearing those jeans because my ass looks like the size of the netherlands. Just hand me my other pair of jeans and shut the fuck up because I don't wanna hear it.
-have a sense of humor I mean come on we only live once. Fucking have some fun, be sarcastic, ride go carts, buy some crayola crayons and scribble the fuck out of spongebobs face. Enjoy life.
So, into the deep blue void of the internet ocean I toss my bottle. It reads:
There must be someone out there like me. Someone who's life is full yet with
a void, a yearning, an undefinable ache. I'm a large woman, a bbw, married who's
hubby knows of her love for women yet isn't involved in that part of her life.
I am what I am, full of life and child-like wonder at the world. I take great enjoyment
in little things like picnics in the woods and strolls by the water. I'm honest and
fun and looking for someone who doesn't take themselves or life too seriously. I don't care
about your orientation (lesbian, bi, straight every other month and on national holidays), or your age.
Attractive femme here, I'm looing for a buddy/playtime companion. I LOVE All things fuzzy.. clothes, stuffed animals you name it.
I take excellent care of myself, my skin, and hair.. I am not crazy abvout it but I like to look good and so should you. I have been with girls ONLY Since I was about 17 and do NOT do couples OR GUYS. I am getting tired of guys always replying saying "Just this once" NO GUYS!!
But if you are a fem or butch and want to get in touch PLZ DO SO.. send a pict and If I like what I see I will CERTAINLY get back in touch. I like to play but would easily become monogomous for the right person.